Feeling the Pink Love

We held momma's memorial service on a Saturday - I don't remember much more about it. I was still in the heavy, unrelenting fog of grief.  I spoke at her funeral as she requested but wasn't sure if I even made sense to anyone.
And then, the following Monday, I went back to work. I must have lost my mind! What was I thinking? I thought if I stayed in my office with the door shut, I'd be fine. But then my friend called me and said she was bringing breakfast and what did I want?  I said nothing. But she insisted.  Then she called back and wanted me to come out to the car. Really?! Can you just not let me have one morning in peace? Can you just not bother me today? But she kept at it and I finally said fine, I'd be right out.
So I walked out the door....and lost it. Because there in the back parking lot of work, were about six pink fire trucks from the Pink Heals tour.  All the friends that I had met while volunteering with them several years before.  All there to support me in my time of need, and to honor my momma.  Unbelievable, but exactly what I needed!

Getting through It

Everyone handles grief differently and no one should tell you what is appropriate as to how you handle yours.  Here are some ways I got myself through it:


1)  Sit quietly and remember all the fun things you did together.  One of my favorite memories is when my Momma and I went away for the weekend on one of my birthdays.  We took a short trip to Blowing Rock, NC and stayed in an adorable motel right off of main street.  It snowed like the devil, which only made it that much more perfect.  We went in every store, tried on all the silly hats we could find, and held hands as we slipped and slid all the way down main street!  We had a cozy lunch with tea at a restaurant in front of a beautiful stone fireplace, and bought one-of-a-kind Christmas decorations (that I still have).
2)  Get out the guest book from the funeral and all the sympathy cards you received.  Yes, it sounds morbid, but it works, trust me.  Look at all the names of the people who attended the funeral - they all came to honor your special person.  When I did this, there were names of people that I had no idea had even attended the funeral.  I was pleased to see all that attended and thought about how good that would have made Momma feel.  The sympathy cards were a little harder, but still as effective.  I took each one out and read them and thought about how many people she truly touched during her life. I won't lie to you, it's hard to read all the messages of love and caring because it brings you back to that time of loss.  Ultimately though, it lessens the hurt, which makes this a worthwhile exercise.
3)  Talk about them.  Keep talking about them, even when other people stop. Tell funny stories about them.  Tell the stories they used to tell. I found myself on a daily basis saying, "remember when momma did this....".  It's hard at first and it made me cry, but after awhile, it becomes a joy to remember and it does make it easier.
4)  Listen to music.  Don't worry - no new age shit coming here - just simply listen to music.  It helps.  A few years back I had made momma a CD that had all her favorite songs on it.  This is what I listened to.  At first I cried through every song, and that's okay. That is actually a good thing because crying helps you heal.  Now when I listen to her CD, I don't cry anymore. I think about how much she loved these songs I am hearing and how lucky that I was the one that provided her with something that brought her such happiness.


Everyone is different, but these were the top 4 things that helped me the most - I hope they help you.

It's a Sign

   As the end grew nearer, one of the things that brought me the most comfort was lying in bed with my Momma talking about things - how things were when each of her four children were born; what were her favorite things when she was growing up; did she have any regrets; etc. 
   As we lay there one day, I asked her if she would please send me a sign when she got to heaven, just so I would know that she was okay.  I said, "don't tell me what it is, just make it something so I'll know for sure."  She carefully thought about it and then said, "okay, I will." 
   I know there are two schools of thought about "signs".  People either believe in them or they don't.  I firmly believe and always have. 
   The day after my mother passed, I was out late at night walking my dog, crying, talking in my head to my momma, when I looked up and saw a shooting star.  It surprised me, as I've only seen about three in my lifetime, so I said, "Momma, is that you?"  Immediately, another shooting star went over. I had no doubt that she was telling me she was "okay".  In the next three months, I saw 18...yes, I said 18 shooting stars.  It's usually when I'm having a tough time or when I'm just talking to her as I walk. 
   The other sign I received was confirmation of our love for the beach.  About 8 months after my momma passed, I traveled to the beach with my Aunt for Mother's Day.  We took some of Momma's ashes down to the beach with us and buried them among the dunes.  I was walking on the beach by myself soon after that when I came across the most perfect sand dollar I'd ever seen.  It was the first perfect sand dollar I've ever found.  I knew it was from my Momma. 

   What I've come to believe is that when our loved ones pass, they become angels.  Their new job is to watch over the ones they've left behind.  It's a tough job and that's why it takes something as strong as an angel to accomplish it.  I take solace in the knowledge that my Momma is still with me, listening to me talk about my day, my worries, my dreams, and my fears.

Spilling the Grief

So what qualifies me to write on grief?  What it is and how to get through it?  Easy answer – I have been there.  No one helped me through it; it was a battle I fought myself. I did fight it, and I came through it.

I won’t say I won the battle because I still have days that I struggle. Days where I think to myself, “Who would it hurt if I just stayed right here in my bed?”  There are days where I balance precariously on the edge of being slightly misty to running the very real risk of drowning in my own tears.

For the most part, however, I’ve learned to manage; and I think I can help you manage.

WHAT IS GRIEF?

Let’s start with, what is grief?  According to Wikipedia, this is the definition:

GRIEF is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. 

So, did you understand that?  Does it sum up what you feel?  Here’s what I think grief is:

GRIEF is the emotion you feel after losing someone or something important in your life. A similar feeling to when someone reaches into your chest and rips out your beating heart. What's left at that point (an empty hole), that is grief. It is such intense sadness that you lose the power to function and may even find yourself lying on the floor, unable to explain how you got down there.

So what's my story?  I lost my momma to cancer September 13, 2013.  The first thing is, everybody is different.  Some people seem to take the loss of someone close to them and fold it in threes, put it in a little box, and tie that sucker up with a bow. Other people never seem to grasp that this is a state of being that has to be acknowledged and dealt with. 

Going to the funeral, hugging all my relatives, and then ending the day with a meal at someone’s house just wasn’t enough for me.  At first, I couldn’t quite grasp that my momma was gone. My logical mind knew that she was gone.  After all, I had been beside her until her dying breath. I had written her obituary. I had planned her funeral.  I spoke at her funeral. I KNEW she was gone.

Every day, I reached to call her.  I checked Facebook for her status updates. I waited all morning on my birthday for her to call and sing to me, just as she had done every year since I could remember. I brought her name up in every conversation. I told funny stories about her. I talked about her like she was still here. And then someone asked me why I talked about her all the time - actually the question was, "Does it help you to talk about your momma all the time"?  And that's the first time I realized that I WAS doing that!  I hadn't been aware of it. But that told me something very important - I hadn't processed her death. I still thought of her as living. And so to me, the first step of walking through the grieving process has to be letting yourself realize - really realize - that the person you loved did indeed die.  And that my friends, is a hard lesson!

Photo from 1979: